If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“I wouldn’t.”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?