Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
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Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Terribly Tuesday.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Squirrels before girls.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is