There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
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Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“