It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
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Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
me opening up to someone
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that