The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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I have no idea what she’s talking about.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens