Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
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Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Me if I was a dog
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
me refusing to leave twitter
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.