When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
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Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
CRYING
I put the h in mysterious.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Fluff me with a fork baby
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.