getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test