Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
These 3D printers are insane!
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.