Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
How does one answer this?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!