I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.