M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
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Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.