Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
But wait…
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.