I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
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Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie