[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
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Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.