My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
was Jim off killing horses or…
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems