I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
You Might Also Like
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance