Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
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me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
🤭😂