“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe