Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
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If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Girl, same.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us