Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
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“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Dammit Chief not again
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Oh we’ve met.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Today’s Times
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’