Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
meow
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read