In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
“OMGJK” -atheists
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Spotted in New Orleans.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Tremendous stuff
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one