[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!