i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
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I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*