Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
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Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?