Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
i’m still crying at this
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back