Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Check out the legs on this baby
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.