Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Well, shit
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.