I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad