If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
You Might Also Like
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
*Inspirational Tweets*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Miscakes
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.