Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
*sewing*
A thread
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425