Lmfao
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
if you loved baby yoda you鈥檙e gonna effin hate teen yoda
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Can鈥檛 wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 馃拃馃槀馃槀
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won鈥檛 cooperate because it鈥檚 too clean
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you鈥檙e a natural
God: you鈥檙e an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I鈥檓 a mermaid?
God: no that鈥檚 not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I鈥檓 the littlest mermaid.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist