Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me buying fruit and veg
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers