Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
You Might Also Like
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”