Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe