Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
this is the news I live for
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec