[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
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Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Lol
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.