I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
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My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
More like Kate Missington.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.