Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Sign of the day..
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.