Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
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Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Lmao 🤣
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Oceanography is all about current events
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Do one person every day that scares you.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life