me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.