If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
You Might Also Like
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Worst perfume name ever.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”