My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
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Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
A drum solo but on your face.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.