Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Writing, She Murdered.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.