The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
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Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
pep talk
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.