[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
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Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.