Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
So true for me
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Sending in my taxes
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”