Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Beware…..
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”