I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
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I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.